Overview
First, let's assert that if you're a male b0gger, you are likely as single as Scott Peterson but with fewer prospects and not nearly as hot. In this article, Ill attempt to outline some basic requirements and reveal a few secrets to gaining the affections of women. I am a certified Vaginologist with years of experience. Not recomended for female b0gger reading.
1. Hygiene
Chances are, if you have a karma rating of "Good" or above, or anything less than "Neutral", you are a dedicated member with hours a day spent trolling the pages of b0g. This is good, but there are consequences. The more obvious and outward result is you stink and your skin is oily and appears wet at a glance. True b0ggers are so greasy they shine. A well earned sheen and aroma, no doubt, but counterproductive in getting female attention. The solution: go to a carwash, lay down and pay the well pigmented man $1 to hose you down. Do not opt for the hotwax, it's a scam.
<-hearts the hotwax
2. Location
It sounds scary but you will be required to leave the safety of your computer to make contact with potential mates. Your mom won't approve so you will have to produce a lie to appease her. Tell her you're going over to Jimmy's to play Advanced D&D in full wizard garb. She'll think everything is normal. Scout the obvious places like the shopping malls. Chucky Cheeses' is a gold mine. Don't carry any rope, duct tape, garbage bags or any other dating paraphenalia on your persons. Looking too eager is a turn off.
3. Contact
If and when you encounter a girl, remember to control your breathing, sweating and stuttering. It's often better to say nothing at all. Words and conversation will trip you up mostly, so don't fall into that trap! If she does say something that requires a response, segway the patter into stuff about you and things you know best, like b0g. Tell her about Trizzles journal and how Karma works. Explain the evils of Post Bump and how wool rapes you every time you try to bump. If she attempts to change the subject to something else, like herself, just ignore that and talk louder if you have to. She will assume you to be a worldy, knowledgable person capable of pwning her. Domination is key, so invite her to be an Elf in your WOW campaign but put an adjusted limit on her hit points so you have to protect her.
4. Sex And Intimacy
If at this point you have successfully got her alone, it is time to put your moves into play. Keep in mind that girls don't like sex and only participate on the off chance of gaining praise, and or escape. If she moves around alot or makes "sexy" sounds, she's probably a slut or faking so just think of your mother at these moments. Some girls will have orgasms but that's not your fault, just focus on your own climax and have something to wipe with afterward, like her t-shirt. She may want to talk to you or be held afterward. This pathology is a sign of childhood molestation and it's up to you to be strong and shun that regressive behavior. Having completed the carnal tasks required for true love, immediately return to b0g and brag. Nobody will believe you, but the satisfaction of seeing text you wrote appear on a website will fill all void. Make several posts if you have to.
5. Second Date
Okay so you've called her many times with no reply. Playing hard to get is part of the ritual. Now what? The fact is persistance pays off and women love to be persued! Call her more often, leave at least 60 messages a day, follow her to her car when she gets off work, sit outside her house all night if you have to. She'll take it as a sign of loyalty, and loyalty is good. If you see her with another dude, remember, chicks love a sensitive man, so feel free to express your feelings with uncontrolable crying and convulsing at her feet. When her fake "boyfriend" kicks your ass, remember it's just a test to see how devoted you are..
-Good Luck!
posted by problems on Saturday 8th March 2008, 11:06:43
Trizzle (84.193.53.*) on Sunday 9th March 2008, 08:21:52 (#401634)
1 (1)
you and the magnificent magical mike are special canadians of
course I like you. And I have to go to Las Vegas then, one of my
best friends is getting married there in june.
Sir, many thanks for the articulate article. I have been a single man for
many years and intend to use your recommendations in my quest for this
thing know as sex. I do play with myself often and this has resulted in a
long but skinny penix that bends to the left. I have been using duct tape
and a lolly pop stick as a splint and would like to know wether a real
vagina would straighten it out. I too would like to become a vaginologist,
do i have to attend lessons or can i simply download the certificate? I
hope so as i am a bit thick, unlike my penix.
How To Snare A GF!
<-Secrets Revealed
<-hearts the hotwax
